Waiting in Wonder… The Struggle of TTC.

I’m staring at this blank page with so much thoughts, but no idea how to articulate actual words and feelings for the beginning of this post.

I just want to start by saying that everybody’s journey is different, and that unless you have struggled with fertility there is no way to understand the pain.

When my husband and I started the whole TTC (trying to conceive) journey the third time around, I had no idea it would even be a ‘journey’, with our first child I was on the pill and we weren’t trying, and with our daughter we fell pregnant on our second cycle. 

I thought it would be bish bosh job done.

How wrong was I, we tried on and off since 2021. There would always be one of us who would change our minds... whether that be down to my husband simply changing his mind about having a third or me needing a mental break.

I know I’m lucky in the sense I had two happy healthy children and I found people online who had been

trying for ten years and had no kids, I felt selfish and ungrateful. I could not comprehend what that level of upset would feel like.

The whole thing became an obsession, an unhealthy soul-destroying all-consuming obsession. Every day of my month was tracked. I think that was the problem I knew too much about it all.

It is so hard to verbalise the words to describe how disappointing the whole experience is, it’s like you’ve been let down by yourself, you think you have done something wrong.

When dealing with infertility, it can be such a lonely experience, one where you can feel all alone in your struggle. This is one occasion where I say praise be for the internet. Finding other women’s blogs, and YouTube channels helped me through some of the darkest moments and allowed me to see that I was not alone.

Fertility is such a taboo topic, one that we can feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about, and I really wish this wasn’t the case.

I also hate how all through high school there’s this image portrayed where if you have unprotected sex once you will fall pregnant. While yes, I understand the need to warn young girls and women about the risk of unwanted pregnancies and in some cases how easy it is for it to happen.

I also can’t help but feel this is a part of the problem that makes fertility a taboo subject, it sets a standard that getting pregnant is ‘easy’, and this is why women are left feeling inadequate when they don’t get pregnant straight away.

We have just had a break from trying (I am writing this in October 2023), and it has been so freeing on my mental health, however, we are going to start again in a few weeks.

But I want to write this article to read back on if things start to go the same way as they did before, if I find myself spiralling out of control, I’m going to come back to this.

So, I’m going to give some tips that I’m bringing into take two with me. If you’re in the depths of trying, I know these are going to be hard to follow- I’ve been there.

I used to google tips myself on how to manage the feelings all the time. Sometimes they would help a little, but others (like wait until after your expected period date to test) would seem virtually impossible.

My hope is that these can give you, and myself some form of comfort.

Think positive thoughts.

Look I know if you’re in the trenches of TTC, you will think this is silly, but it really isn’t. I’ve discussed the power of positive thought before, but it is going to be essential in getting you through the tough days.

Not only are positive thoughts going to help reduce stress, but it’s also going to improve your psychological health, and physical well-being.

Getting a negative pregnancy test SUCKS, I’m not saying to gloss over it all, and it’s okay to grieve. Take half an hour to yourself to have a little cry, let your emotions out, talk to a friend or family member about how you’re feeling.

Put the test in the bin as soon as the 10 minutes are over.

We all do it, hope that we will go back and there’s going to be a miracle. That somehow you missed the line the first time you looked. You never missed the line. It was negative then and it is negative now. Who knows maybe in a couple days when you test again it will be positive.

Overanalysing the test just leads to unnecessary stress and heartache. You can stare so much that you actually start to see a line, test eyes are a real issue!

Once 10 minutes have passed any ‘line’ that does appear, is most likely a false positive. There’s a reason they say to disregard the results after 10 minutes you know.

I can’t tell you how many times I went back and looked at tests and even though I knew it was most likely a false positive, it still gave me glimmers of hope which ultimately led to further heartache.

So, do yourself a favour and bin the test.

Create a daily mantra.

When trying to conceive, it is common to experience stress and anxiety. Daily mantras can be a helpful way to manage and reduce these emotions and help promote a positive mindset.

My daily mantras include:

“I am taking care of my body and mind to welcome a baby”.

“I am grateful for my body and what it can do”.

Of course, you might not like these which is completely fine, you can find millions of different ones online, and just make sure it really resonates with you.

Always take two tests at the same time.

This one might sound a little weird, but have you ever had a false positive? That is soul destroying business, that is what would play in my hell loop.

So, along with your test take one of those cheap amazon ones. That way if you feel you see a tiny line in one and the other is negative, your head isn’t going to be up in the stars.

Don’t get me wrong you will still experience serious high hopes but not to the same extent as you would if you only took one.

This is a very sensitive topic for me, and my hope in sharing is that it will break some stigma around the topic and provide some support for anyone who may be in a similar situation themselves.

And even though I feel extremely vulnerable right now, I want people to realise fertility does not need to be some deep dark secret and if sharing my own story can help even just one other person in knowing that they are not alone in their struggles then it is a worthwhile pursuit.

My next blog is going to be on what I did different the month that we got out positive test so keep your eyes peeled for that!

On this TTC journey it is vital to try to be kind to yourself and my main tip would be to try and find joy from other areas in your life.

Sending baby dust your way